Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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