just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
