Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
