how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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