Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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