Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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