I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
