her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
