im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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