I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
high people should be assigned attendants
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
