Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
