my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
