Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
They have beer where we have blood.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
