i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
