..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
