If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
