I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
