Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
