Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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