And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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