I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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