Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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