Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
