I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
