Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
