He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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