Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
