Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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