Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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