No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
