I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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