I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
