I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
