i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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