I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
