Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
