dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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