think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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