Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
