so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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