tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
