I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
