I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize