I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
