I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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