I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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