plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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