Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
