I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize