I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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