I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
