the condom got lost in my hair
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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