she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
