the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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