my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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