i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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