he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
