Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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