Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Found the puke drawer
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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