The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
