my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
