I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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