just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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