oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
